No Strings Attached

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Dear Gabriel,

I think it’s time to hop the train to Crazy Town for a while.

I have come to a point where I don’t know what I want, something unusual and frightening for me, the girl who always knows what she wants.  I feel like Jack Sparrow the captain from Pirates of the Caribbean, staring at his magic compass as it spins aimlessly.  I don’t know that I’ve ever been here before.  When have I ever been directionless?

So, away.  To Crazy Town, the place where time is wonky, where north and south have no meaning, where up is down and sideways is backwards and dreaming is the real reality.  I wish I didn’t feel so insane in this place, especially since I have a hunch that it’s the most lucid I ever get during my time on this planet.

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Changing Directions

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Dear Gabriel,

Today is Thanksgiving.  I took some fabulous photos and had a surprisingly good time.  I did not feel like a black sheep, which was a great relief.  What I did feel was the 25 pounds I have gained since August.

I don’t gain due to diet.  Not really.  I don’t gain due to lack of exercise.  Not really.  I gain what I’m going to call “energy weight,” and it takes something like the 12 Steps to take care of.

My sister deals with the same issue.  I read the other day that weight gain is tied to empathy; it’s an inability to cope well with the energy sensitivity being an empath entails.  So.  Of course, I’ve decided to address this issue in writing.

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Five Days of Rest… Starting Now

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Dear Gabriel,

From today until Sunday I’m not running.  It’s Thanksgiving Break at school and the kids are with me.  Usually on the mornings of these breaks I wake up and ask Father to help me make it through the day.  I don’t get much quiet time to decompress, and without being able to take time to run, I need as much help as I can get.

I sometimes think I’m a terrible mother, but then I remember what life was like just a few years ago.  Back then, it was a miracle that I got breakfast on the table and had my kids in clean clothes.  The TV was on constantly and I was in a continuous state of panic about my entire life.

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Black Sheep

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Dear Gabriel,

I’m getting stronger.  My run today was better than yesterday’s (usually it’s the other way around when I first start exercising again).  Normally, when I do some sort of exercise that I’ve been neglecting for a while, my body performs like a pro the first time I do it, and then the next day, I’m toast.  Not so today.  I shaved a full 5 minutes off my run time.

What I see when I stretch my legs: my scarf (before I take it off at the halfway point) and the cord to my headphones.

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Fanfare

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Dear Gabriel,

Tonight finds me physically exhausted but mentally invigorated.  This morning’s run was surprising, if nothing else.  I remembered while I was bouncing along the pavement that I feel fierce when I run.  Not entirely sure how I feel about that.

I’ve spent the better part of a year trying consciously to subdue the fierceness within me.  Passion is one thing, but in my last life I was wife-beater who shot his greatest love.  Not so sure that fierce is what I want to bring to the surface just now.

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I Wanted This Change… So Why Am I Afraid?

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Dear Gabriel,

Tomorrow is the start of my month-long sabbatical from writing.  I think I’ll still keep the conversation open here so I can keep you up to date on what’s happening while I run, but the memoir is off, and these letters might be cut way down.  Maybe.  I’m not sure yet.  But my main goal, my magnum opus… on hold.

I’ve been daydreaming about hitting the road for a week solid, but now that I’m faced with the opportunity, I find that I’m scared of it.

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Home Stretch

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Dear Gabriel,

Here we are — the final push before I can start running (and going to bed at a reasonable hour).  I have 4 chapters left to write by Sunday and then I’m home free.

I’m surprised at how much of a chore writing can be if it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing.  I want so much to have an evening where I do nothing.  But I wanted my camera more than that, and now that I have it, I’ve got to finish the chapters that I’ve pledged.  4 more.  2 tomorrow, 2 the next day.

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Lost In Memory

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Dear Gabriel,

I have a feeling that this running break is going to be more than just a return to exercise.  I’m at the point in my memoir where I write about Stan’s cancer diagnosis, and the future holds much emotional investment.  4 more chapters until I can hit the road.  A couple more days till PayPal transfers my camera money.  And then to think.  To really think about the past.  To grieve, to remember with honor, and to make sure I stay in the present.

Today is the best day of my life.

Yours ever,

Violet

© 2012

A Love Affair With the Road

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Dear Gabriel,

I missed a day writing and I didn’t even realize it.  Last night I earned enough for my camera.  I also earned the disappointment and judgment of my parents who discovered second-hand my Blogging in the Buff.  Their reactions are not wholly surprising (shock, more shock, embarrassment), though I thought Mom would understand.  She didn’t.

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Just A Note… And A Camera

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Dear Gabriel,

I found a camera.  It’s a Samsung, the WB150F, which means I don’t know what, but I intend to find out.  So far, I’m $45 away from calling it mine.  I can’t believe that people are helping me.  Today is the best day of my life.

I mean, I know that I’ve been advertising Tarot readings and doing my best to write extra chapters, but announcing a fundraiser for something I really, really want instead of something I really, really need… or even announcing a fundraiser at all is way out of my comfort zone.  Like on the next planet.

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